In the depths of Hong Kong there are many legends but its different when there are legends who fight for their own wrongdoing, this legend starts in the undergrounds of Hong Kong. The dimmed lights that hid the face, the strong stench of smoke in the air it was sickening. Many shady characters are among them, you wouldn’t think to see many people in a place like this here, but there was a certain lure that attracted people from Hong Kong to a place like this. A suited man enters the club scene not your usual guy to enter a place like this who stuck out of the crowd but no one paid attention to his presence, he stopped to see a black hooded man sitting in a booth alone by his side a metal bat. The suited man takes a seat across him placing a briefcase on the table “So its been a while hasn’t it … Shen” the hooded man pulls up closer to the table so that he could almost whisper “Cut the small talk you called me here, you know I can’t be seen by the public.” Shen pulls the hood to cover more of his face, a document is placed in front of Shen “I’ve got a lead to who you want” “What!” Shen looked vigorously though the document, he stops a certain picture,”Where is he” “Shen I’m trying to stop y…” “WHERE IS HE!” Shen stood up from his seat slamming down on the table, the underground atmosphere is unchanged by the behaviour. Shen sat back down slowly and took a deep breath the suited man leaned in to whisper “Min street where one of the syndicate families are he is inside. Where I do not know” Shen picked up the metal bat by his side and walked out of the underground.
Shen walks along the streets of Hong Kong heading to his destination he drags the baseball bat along the floor, creating a metallic rolling sound over the floor giving a sense of where he is to everyone. Shen turns a corner and sees black suited men outside a gate way Shen walks to them slowly continuing to drag the metal bat, one of the man shouts out towards him “You know who you’re messing with, leave unless you want to get hurt.” he continues to walk slowly towards them, as if he has not heard and continues to move, the men started to run towards Shen with an intent to kill. Shen from dragging the bat lifts no longer creating a metallic sound on the floor, in an instant many sounds can be heard the sound of a bat swinging around and the fall of the men who tried to face what they could not handle. A group of bodies lay on the floor behind him, he takes a gasp letting the bat hang off his arm he looks at the gate that led to his fate he took a deep breath…

December 8, 2014 at 12:53 pm
Word Count: 500
Comments:The writing is generic and, for its genre, shows signs of understanding the conventions. The lapses are in organisation of the material. It is clearly not thought of as a series of paragraphs and as such shows a lack of consideration for the reader. The author would be well advised to rewrite it using phrases chosen from this for support. It does not so much need a thorough editing as an attentive and careful rewrite.
That being said, there are good points. Atmospheric vocabulary is well suited to the idea. The episode seems to be drawn from a larger narrative as advised. It would simply be better if the structuring of the phrases and sentences took a more reader-friendly approach. This is extremely dense and does not invite the reader to understand it.
It is good to see dialogue used to advance plot.
Provisional Mark: 20/40